Chapter 8: Fallout

I’d normally have to go to Baker to see Leo, but if he’s okay, I know he’ll be at the protest near the Smith building. I’m supposed to be at work, but that’s the least of my concerns right now. I just saw a woman die, and I know why the ludds are disappearing. I just need to get to Leo or someone else who can spread the word.

I hear the crowd before I see it. I turn the corner to the plaza in front of the Smith building, and a mass of people appears before me. Hundreds of protestors fill the space, but I wish there were more. There needs to be more.

I push through the crowd and scan the sea of faces. Where’s Leo? He has to be here.

Finally, I see him, and a flood of relief washes over me. He isn’t missing. He’s safe. As I approach, I shout his name and he turns, but when he sees me, his face hardens and he turns back around.

I sprint to cover the ground between us and grab his arm.

“Leo,” I say, annoyed he was going to leave. “We need to talk.”

“Fuck off,” he barks, still not turning around. His words shock me, and I loosen my grip in surprise. He tugs himself free and starts walking away, but I manage to collect myself enough to respond.

“What the hell, Leo?” It’s clear now that he’s been ignoring me for the past few days. It’s not because he was hurt or busy—he was just angry. I expect him to keep walking away, but he spins around and is suddenly inches from my face. His breath is hot on my cheeks. His lips are pulled back and his jaw is clenched.

“Get out of here,” he seethes. His chest rises and falls like he’s just run a marathon. “We don’t want you here, Selene. Fuck. Off.”

“Leo, I can help, I—”

“Selene!” he shouts, interrupting me. “We don’t want your help. You’ve made it abundantly clear you aren’t actually here for us, so leave!” His words sting like physical blows. Tears spring to my eyes, but I refuse to cry.

“How can you say that? All I’ve wanted to do is help.”

“That’s bullshit,” Leo spits, not easing up. “You’ve never cared about the ludds. The only reason you’re interested now is because it’ll make you look good to your boss.”

“That’s not true,” I say, anger rising in me now. “I’ve always cared about you. About the ludds.” Leo’s face contorts from rage to disgust. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a tablet.

“You sure about that?” He clicks the screen and a video pops up. It’s of Jayde, sitting in a crowded bar, and I recognize the recording—it’s one of my memories.

Leo has invaded my memories. He’s raided my past, just like he did to Jayde. Just like I did to Jayde.

The video begins playing, and I hear my voice over the chatter of the busy bar. Jayde is laughing, as if I’ve just told a joke.

“I’m serious, Jayde,” My past self says. I can hear the slur in my voice. I remember that night. I know exactly what’s about to happen. “He won’t listen to me. I’ve tried to get him to join the Collective, but he’s too stubborn. Or maybe just too stupid.” This makes Jayde burst into a fit of giggles, and past-me chuckles. “That’d explain why he wants to stay with all those other stupid ludds, I guess. God, why does he want to be a ludd? What a waste of a life.”

My body is numb. I feel nothing, just a floating head in a vacuum. I’m mortified by the video, but I’m even more upset with Leo. I said those words years ago, when I was out drinking with a friend. They don’t mean anything. They aren’t indicative of who I am.

But Leo, what he just did, that’s exactly who he is. He invaded my privacy; he broke into my memories—into me—and rummaged through my life. He wanted to find a selfish reason for me to be concerned about the ludds, and he kept digging until he found one. And in the process, he destroyed every ounce of progress we’ve made in our relationship.

Deep down, part of me knows this isn’t important right now. Part of me knows I need to put aside my feelings and do what’s best for the ludds. But that part is buried beneath the rubble of the relationship that Leo’s just blown up. I suffocate under that weight and will it to crush me.

“You put a specter on me,” I hear myself say. My voice sounds like it’s coming from the end of a distant tunnel.

“I didn’t want to,” Leo says, unashamed to admit the truth, “but others thought it might be a good idea. And obviously they were right.” The disappointment in his voice would be crushing, but I have nothing left to destroy. Leo has razed everything inside me, leaving only a pile of pitiful, smoldering ashes.

I know I’m not that person in the video. Not anymore. I’ve changed. These past few days have made me question everything I thought I knew about myself. I’ve lost my mother, lost my father, lost any direction I had in my life. And now I’ve lost Leo too.

I have nothing left.

I’m unsure how long I stand there, frozen by everything that’s happened. My mind just repeats Leo’s words, over and over again: “Obviously they were right. You’ve never cared about the ludds. Obviously they were right. You’ve never cared about the ludds.”

I don’t register Leo walking away, but I’m pulled from my paralysis when a hand presses against my back. Another hand wraps around my arm and leads me away from the plaza and down an empty street. I don’t look to see who it is. I don’t have the energy, and it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

We walk, and as we move, I slowly begin to emerge from my mental fog. My ears are ringing and my vision has tunneled, but, little by little, I come back to my senses until the sound of the protesters in the plaza penetrates my ears once more.

The protest. The missing ludds. The evidence.

Finally, like a drowning person scrambling onto a life raft, I feel the warm summer air in my lungs, and I try to focus on my surroundings. I can deal with my crumbling personal life later. What’s important right now is letting the world know what I found. My vision unblurs as I try to focus on the person in front of me.

It’s Lum.

His hair is still greasy, and his eyes look even more sunken than before. He offers me a pitiful smile, and I’m about to tell him what I found, but he speaks first.

“I’m so sorry,” he says. I’m confused for a moment, but then it becomes clear. He lunges forward and presses a stained cloth against my mouth and nose, a pungent odor assaulting my senses.

And then, everything is black.